Yay mornings!

I went to bed feeling awful last night - lower than I have felt in some time. A variety of things brought it on, including but not limited to: delving deep into stress and shame around money; uncertainty about what direction I should choose for the future (a habitual and not helpful though pattern that usually leaves me feeling more directionless than ever); a conversation about drug use that allowed me to sort out some of my intense feelings around it (anger, judgment, sorrow), but took me back to a time where there was more pain being held than I realized (the first long term relationship I was in, back when I was 19, was with a man with a pretty serious drug problem...it was something he worked through in the time we were together, but the pain and confusion I associated with drugs in the beginning has stayed with me to this day).

Sitting at The Lakeview late last night with Martin and talking about this stuff over a pint, I felt myself gradually opening up and then suddenly and quickly shutting down. I tend to do this if I think that I'm not being completely understood, and often instead of clarifying my point I just shut down. Oops, this is what I'm trying not to do. But last night it was more than that...I managed to get myself to (what felt like) a point of no return, feeling sad and helpless about life until I gratefully fell asleep, reassuring myself that I would feel better in the morning. I always do.

Unless of course I wake up yelling and crying after a horrible dream of, say, dead kittens, which is what happened this morning. But with Martin's gentle reassurance and hugs, plus the sunlight streaming in, I was quickly able to recover from this and soon started to feel how I usually do in the morning: tired, but somehow renewed, with hope and optimism for the day and life to come. This is why I love mornings so much, and why it is so important for me to keep at least some of them free. Rushing off somewhere first thing tends to kill that morning buzz, but when I have the morning to bask in it and optimize on my positive energy, my entire day benefits.

I still have a ton of question marks floating around, and I can feel the anxiety starting to creep back in already as I start to think about jobs and what would be the best way for me to get the most of this morning time. But I best not waste the time I have worrying, right? I have an hour left before I go babysit, and I am present and positive and aware...I'll just stay with that.