Yay mornings!

I went to bed feeling awful last night - lower than I have felt in some time. A variety of things brought it on, including but not limited to: delving deep into stress and shame around money; uncertainty about what direction I should choose for the future (a habitual and not helpful though pattern that usually leaves me feeling more directionless than ever); a conversation about drug use that allowed me to sort out some of my intense feelings around it (anger, judgment, sorrow), but took me back to a time where there was more pain being held than I realized (the first long term relationship I was in, back when I was 19, was with a man with a pretty serious drug problem...it was something he worked through in the time we were together, but the pain and confusion I associated with drugs in the beginning has stayed with me to this day).

Sitting at The Lakeview late last night with Martin and talking about this stuff over a pint, I felt myself gradually opening up and then suddenly and quickly shutting down. I tend to do this if I think that I'm not being completely understood, and often instead of clarifying my point I just shut down. Oops, this is what I'm trying not to do. But last night it was more than that...I managed to get myself to (what felt like) a point of no return, feeling sad and helpless about life until I gratefully fell asleep, reassuring myself that I would feel better in the morning. I always do.

Unless of course I wake up yelling and crying after a horrible dream of, say, dead kittens, which is what happened this morning. But with Martin's gentle reassurance and hugs, plus the sunlight streaming in, I was quickly able to recover from this and soon started to feel how I usually do in the morning: tired, but somehow renewed, with hope and optimism for the day and life to come. This is why I love mornings so much, and why it is so important for me to keep at least some of them free. Rushing off somewhere first thing tends to kill that morning buzz, but when I have the morning to bask in it and optimize on my positive energy, my entire day benefits.

I still have a ton of question marks floating around, and I can feel the anxiety starting to creep back in already as I start to think about jobs and what would be the best way for me to get the most of this morning time. But I best not waste the time I have worrying, right? I have an hour left before I go babysit, and I am present and positive and aware...I'll just stay with that.

A Big Dose of Truth

I already had a lot on my mind when I came home this evening - I had just returned from performing a couple of numbers with my burlesque troupe, at an event called "Women Out Loud", which is also the name of the organization that put it on (a UofT based feminist type of group). It was a great night with a Q&A that provoked some very interesting discussions. I was grateful to have the opportunity to talk openly about some of the questions and dilemmas I have had as a burlesque peformer - namely one who resonates strongly with a lot feminist writings and ideals. It was both riveting and insightful to have these discussions in a public, open format setting. I intended to come home and write all about it, but something came up that took my mind off of the rest of the evening very quickly.

I watched a video on YouTube called "The Story of Stuff". It is a dose of truth that is hard to ignore, and yet hard to accept at the same time. Horrifying to see and hear it, and sickening to realize just how active of a participant I have been in it...basically since birth (toxin-ridden breast milk, anyone?)

Some of the things in this video were news to me, others were not. And as for those that were not...well, a good deal of the time I'm just not thinking about it. Acting out of habit, convenience...it's the easy choice to make when life is busy. But busy does not have to equal thoughtless. Haven't I spent long enough being an ignorant consumer? I am terrified by the state of the world, but choosing ignorance is not going to change anything for the positive. I have choices, and like other times in my life, I can choose not to be a victim.

That's all for now...I gotta go sleep on this shit.

Just Another Manic Monday...

...and I really am wishin' it was Sunday!
A month and a half in, I am still adjusting to my life as a 9-5er (8-6er). I've been working the occasional Saturday night as well, which leaves good , ol' Sunday as my only day off. And now that Sunday night burlesque rehearsals have started up again, I am left wondering just how I could fit in more stuff, as I have been wanting to do. I know I could make the time, find the energy...but as I sit here at 7am waiting and hoping for the coffee to kick in, I am having a hard time imagining where I would get that extra time and energy from!

The good news, however, is that in the next week or two my schedule is going to open up a little more and leave me with a couple of free mornings. I'll be taking a decent cut in pay, for the moment, but right now that is a small price to pay for some much-needed time for myself. Hurrah! A yoga class is at the top of my list. Also, trying to cook on a regular basis.

Well, enough dreaming...time to slam down the rest of this coffee and be on my merry way!

Oh, hello again.

I'll write a bit every day, she says.

And suddenly a month has gone by...oops!

Ah, whatever. I've spent enough of the little time I've spent actually writing this thing going on about "should have, could have", etc, and less time actually doing it. A pattern of mine in various areas of my life, for sure. However, the more I can channel my guilt energy around this into actually doing something, the better. And on a day like today, it is easy to feel inspired to sit down in a sunny coffee shop and do some writing! Plus it is the first Sunday in three weeks that I haven't incapacitated by some form of sickness (in chronological order: huge hangover, nasty cold, vicious flu). Hooray for an entire day off, and having the health to enjoy it!

One of the main reasons I keep pushing myself to write more frequently is so that I don't just keep repeating myself on here. I mean, it's not like there are many people reading at all, but for the few that are I would rather not bore you with the same once-or-twice monthly ramble about how I should be writing more.

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about this blog - what it is essentially about, if there is even any point in me writing it. I had a passing thought of just starting a new blog, one with a more focused topic that might be of interest to more people, and just might keep me on task a bit more. However, I concluded that this was an avoidance tactic, and while I am sure I could come up with a more specific topic to write some interesting things about, I still have a lot to say all kinds of things - and while there is a very good chance that not many people will care, I know that a lot of the things I struggle with (as a woman, as a young adult, as a performer, as a Torontonian, as a person very concerned with the state of the Earth) will resonate with someone. So basically my blog has been, and will continue to be, a glorified journal, of sorts...but one that opens up the possibility for dialogue with others, and encourages me to be honest, open, and aware of what is going on in my internal and external environment.

So, that's what I'm aiming for. That, and much more frequent posting. Beyond that I can't really say what will happen - but I hope that you'll check back from time to time to find out :)