Can't sleep, mind racing...

*Warning! The following post contains some really sentimental and mushy/cheesy stuff.

It's just where I'm at right now, ok?

Consider yourself warned ;)





"I should write. I should write. Fuck, I have so much to write about. Why I don't I just do it already. Seriously, why I haven't I written. I have so much to write about. Fuck."



The refrain that finally got me out of bed after me lying there for nearly an hour thinking and feeling a hundred different things and not knowing what to do with it. When I realized that sleep was not coming, writing was the only other option.



So here I am, feeling compelled now to re-examine the past month that I have been absent from the blog, the month that has elapsed since my post from that dark place I had found myself in on November 10th.

And I do want to reflect on that, and the journey from there...but this is not what is on my mind at present. Nope. At present, I am in the past.



Getting stuck in the past is an old habit of mine, I'm sure there are some of you who can relate. At this time of year I am especially prone to nostalgia, in a season that is rife with family tradition and warm fuzzy holiday feelings. However this year there is a whole new layer added on to that, and this has been occupying my mind. For it was this time last year that I did what I consider to be the most brave and important thing I have done in my life thus far: confessing my love to a friend of five years.

Martin and I's friendship was strictly that - friendship - with the exception perhaps of some innocent flirting here and there. Yet somehow I knew that he was the person I was meant to be with, the true love of my life. It felt a bit crazy to be thinking this, and I'm sure there were some that would agree with the crazy part. But as time went on my feelings only became more intense, and my need to express them grew more urgent. Martin told me about his plan to move to Montreal the following summer, and I was terrified. Terrified that I would miss out on an opportunity to be with the one I loved. Terrified at the idea of telling him my true feelings, and at the idea of rejection and unimaginable heartbreak.


So yes, it took a lot of courage, and lot of support from some people close to me (you know who you are!) to get me to the point of telling Martin that I cared about him much more than as a friend. The time leading up to this is kind of foggy as I try to recall it now, but I do know that they day of the evening he was coming over for dinner was the most anxious I have ever been. It was the weight of the unknown... not knowing what the hell was going to happen, but knowing that whatever it was my life would drastically change. And of course, it did. I didn't have the immediate resolution that I expected, and in fact things became even more confusing (I kind of find it funny now that I didn't see that one coming). It was an emotionally treacherous month that followed, for the both of us, but what it lead to was worth all of the pain and uncertainty. The potential for great love that I had somehow seen beforehand was realized when Martin met me with the same courage and open heart that I had offered to him. There are no words to describe the love and connection that followed...only that it was all, and more, that I dreamt and hoped for. That is cliched as hell, I know, but it is so completely true. Today marks one year since I opened my heart and soul to Martin, and I am so overwhelmed by gratitude - to myself for doing what I did, and to my friends for helping me get there, yes; but overwhelming of all is my gratitude for waking up each day in Martin's arms, knowing that we share a love that is deep and passionate and true, and that we are both committed to this beautiful relationship that we so suddenly found ourselves in. I think of myself a year ago, unbearably anxious and terrified, yet so longing to know and love this mysterious man that was my friend, and so uncertain of what was to come... and I am in awe. What a gift I have been given. I now share my life with this man, and that is something that excites me every day. I have never had so much fun, felt so loved, or known that something was so right.

Martin - I love you so goddamn much.
Thank you for being in my life.


And to everyone else, thank you for reading my sentimental outpourings, for sticking through to the end, cliches and all. I had to write this stuff down, sometimes it is the only way I can deal with really overwhelming emotion. Hopefully now I will be able to sleep :)