Wow, so I haven't even been able to keep up to a once weekly posting! I've been really busy these days, between work, errands, and bringing a new family member into our home (we adopted a simply lovely 2.5 year old black cat, Nora, through Toronto Cat Rescue http://www.torontocatrescue.ca/store/index.asp). Also, I am always extra busy when there is a show coming up (I am part of a burlesque troupe - more on how that ties into everything later). There is also the unfortunate fact that my old beast of a desktop finally croaked, and so I don't have a computer of my own to use (although I use Martin's laptop when I can - thanks baby!)
So, at the moment, I have a giant list of things that I want and need to do. A lot of it involves online business, mostly getting in touch with friends I have been trying to meet up with for ages, or respond to emails that have been sitting in my inbox for a least a week. Another thing is writing posts for this blog and sending it to the people I have yet to send it to (there are many). I always seem to run out of time, just when I'm in the mood to sit down and write my heart out and make connections with people.
And that's exactly the place I am in now. I feel like I could write for an hour, but instead I'm going to do the dishes and then run off to work. My next two days are almost completely occupied already, so it looks like it will be Tuesday before I get to spend a good chunk of time doing this. I have sooo much to write...but when I have the time, I will do it. No punishment or regret, just understanding and compassion for myself during this crazy busy time.
Coming up soon (hopefully)... Vulnerability = Health (?!)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
"It all comes down to you"
I had a really difficult time leaving the house today, mostly due to some extreme fatigue, as well as this strange resistance that comes up every once in a while; a resistance that keeps me stuck at the computer hitting the refresh button on Facebook every three minutes, or in bed reading the same page of a book over and over, not making sense of anything.
At any rate, I finally got myself out the door, and made my way over to MoonBean for a coffee. The title of this post was the first thing that someone said to me. I was standing in line, spaced out and holding my coffee, wishing that the line would get moving so I could down the damn thing. Then the man in front of me turned and said "It all comes down to you". I just kind of stared at him blankly, and was so not in the mood to be in the middle of a pick-up attempt when I hadn't even had a coffee yet.
The man repeated himself, and added "Joni Mitchell. It's the song that was just on."
Blank look from me.
"Ah, you weren't paying attention", he said.
Some sort of mumbled response from me.
Clearly a Joni fan, he went on to tell me some of the other lyrics. More amused than annoyed at this point, I smiled and told him I would listen to the song when I got home.
True to my word, that's what I did. I suppose my main reason for this was that first thing he said to me, which caught me off guard not just because it was unexpected, but because it rang in my ears as a reminder that I am responsible. I am responsible for my feelings, for the cycles I get stuck in, for my recovery and well-being. At an earlier time I would have used this as a way to punish myself - ie. "It's your fault that you are like this, you stupid fucking idiot". It's like listening to the Radiohead song "Just", particularly the line "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's why it really hurts", and crying because you know that it's true. Idiot, idiot.
Now I can recognize that this type of thinking is what kept me in a self-destructive cycle for a very long time. Now I am learning how to use self-responsibility as a positive, as a way to motivate and empower myself. I got a taste of this at the Haven, when practicing self-responsible communication, and finding out that I felt less ashamed of my feelings when they were out in the open. I can also empower myself when I take the credit for how far I have come in my recovery. There have been various factors that have helped me immensely along the way, but ultimately it is me who has got me to this point.
It doesn't matter that Joni's song "Down to You" is actually in reference to another person. It wouldn't have mattered if the man was attempting to use the words "it all comes down to you" as some kind of a pick-up line. None of that matters, because to me it was a much needed reminder not only to be self-responsible, but also that it is okay to be a little bit selfish once in a while.
And hey, it's a really beautiful song...and it turns out I can relate to it in all sorts of other ways...but I will have to save that for another post!
At any rate, I finally got myself out the door, and made my way over to MoonBean for a coffee. The title of this post was the first thing that someone said to me. I was standing in line, spaced out and holding my coffee, wishing that the line would get moving so I could down the damn thing. Then the man in front of me turned and said "It all comes down to you". I just kind of stared at him blankly, and was so not in the mood to be in the middle of a pick-up attempt when I hadn't even had a coffee yet.
The man repeated himself, and added "Joni Mitchell. It's the song that was just on."
Blank look from me.
"Ah, you weren't paying attention", he said.
Some sort of mumbled response from me.
Clearly a Joni fan, he went on to tell me some of the other lyrics. More amused than annoyed at this point, I smiled and told him I would listen to the song when I got home.
True to my word, that's what I did. I suppose my main reason for this was that first thing he said to me, which caught me off guard not just because it was unexpected, but because it rang in my ears as a reminder that I am responsible. I am responsible for my feelings, for the cycles I get stuck in, for my recovery and well-being. At an earlier time I would have used this as a way to punish myself - ie. "It's your fault that you are like this, you stupid fucking idiot". It's like listening to the Radiohead song "Just", particularly the line "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's why it really hurts", and crying because you know that it's true. Idiot, idiot.
Now I can recognize that this type of thinking is what kept me in a self-destructive cycle for a very long time. Now I am learning how to use self-responsibility as a positive, as a way to motivate and empower myself. I got a taste of this at the Haven, when practicing self-responsible communication, and finding out that I felt less ashamed of my feelings when they were out in the open. I can also empower myself when I take the credit for how far I have come in my recovery. There have been various factors that have helped me immensely along the way, but ultimately it is me who has got me to this point.
It doesn't matter that Joni's song "Down to You" is actually in reference to another person. It wouldn't have mattered if the man was attempting to use the words "it all comes down to you" as some kind of a pick-up line. None of that matters, because to me it was a much needed reminder not only to be self-responsible, but also that it is okay to be a little bit selfish once in a while.
And hey, it's a really beautiful song...and it turns out I can relate to it in all sorts of other ways...but I will have to save that for another post!
Friday, October 2, 2009
Here goes nothing...
I've wanted to start a blog for a long time. Actually, I did start one just over a year ago, but I created a whole new gmail account with a pseudonym, and I think I only posted on it twice. I felt very self-conscious about starting a blog, particularly because the content would, inevitably, be centered around the eating disorder that I was still struggling with (and had been for over seven years). At that time I saw the blog as a way for me to reach out into some invisible world where I might find support, instead of reaching out into the real world around me where I would definitely find support.
I suppose that there are a number of factors that kept me from reaching out to the people that I knew. Mostly, it was shame. A few years back, when I was visibly underweight, people expressed their concern. I was in denial, yes, but I also did not have shame around the fact that had been losing more and more weight. I was proud.
When I think about bulimia and compulsive over-eating, pride is the furthest thing from my mind. Shame, as I mentioned, is the first thing that I think of. It is that shame that kept me from reaching out for support, that kept me in a vicious cycle of self-loathing and punishment. A shame so strong that it enabled me to put on a brave face and keep functioning (sometimes barely) as I went through three years of intense full-time studies with the Drama program at the University of Toronto. I was going to say that I did this without anyone knowing that something was going on with me, but I know this isn't true. There were people that knew, and people that didn't - but because there were only a very few people who ever approached me about it, I have spent a lot of time believing the latter.
Just for the record, this is not an attempt to make those knowers-but-non-approachers feel guilty. Sure, I have had some frustration about the fact that once the symptoms of the visible illness (anorexia) went gone away, the open concern ceased, and I was left with 1) the self-hatred and shame I experienced as a result gaining weight, and 2) the general assumptions that I was just fine now that I wasn't underweight. Both of these things have been painful, and yes, there is still anger around that, but it is for me to deal with. And anyone else can take comfort in the fact that even if you had asked me if I was okay, there is a good chance I would have lied to you anyway. I am aware that I have been the main factor in my isolation and secrecy.
On a happier note, although I still have all kinds of residual pain, anger, neuroses, shame, etc., to work through, I'm off to a great start with that. 2009 has been one of immense healing for me. I am learning to let go of old ideals and to welcome acceptance and love - from others, and most importantly, from myself.
And it is thanks to my experience last week that I am creating this blog. I spent the week on Gabriola Island in British Columbia, at an incredible place called The Haven (www.haven.ca), doing their five-day program "Come Alive" with my fiance and soulmate, Martin. Sometime very soon I will go into more detail about my personal experience there, for it is not really possible to briefly sum it up. I know that it is important for me to stay connected to my time there, and to the people I got to know...I can't believe it has already been a week since we all left to return to our lives! Back to the place where the real work has to happen. For mye, the temptation has been to allow myself to get sucked back into old thoughts patterns and ways of communicating, into a less-conscious/present way of living . Another reason why I am doing this blog is to stay present and honest, checking in with my self and staying in open connection with others.
So here it is, my initial attempt to do that. I'm already getting nervous about what people will think...but that's not doing me any good, so I'll stop :) Think what you will, and I'll keep writing nonetheless.
Wishing you love and warmth on this cold and rainy afternoon!
I suppose that there are a number of factors that kept me from reaching out to the people that I knew. Mostly, it was shame. A few years back, when I was visibly underweight, people expressed their concern. I was in denial, yes, but I also did not have shame around the fact that had been losing more and more weight. I was proud.
When I think about bulimia and compulsive over-eating, pride is the furthest thing from my mind. Shame, as I mentioned, is the first thing that I think of. It is that shame that kept me from reaching out for support, that kept me in a vicious cycle of self-loathing and punishment. A shame so strong that it enabled me to put on a brave face and keep functioning (sometimes barely) as I went through three years of intense full-time studies with the Drama program at the University of Toronto. I was going to say that I did this without anyone knowing that something was going on with me, but I know this isn't true. There were people that knew, and people that didn't - but because there were only a very few people who ever approached me about it, I have spent a lot of time believing the latter.
Just for the record, this is not an attempt to make those knowers-but-non-approachers feel guilty. Sure, I have had some frustration about the fact that once the symptoms of the visible illness (anorexia) went gone away, the open concern ceased, and I was left with 1) the self-hatred and shame I experienced as a result gaining weight, and 2) the general assumptions that I was just fine now that I wasn't underweight. Both of these things have been painful, and yes, there is still anger around that, but it is for me to deal with. And anyone else can take comfort in the fact that even if you had asked me if I was okay, there is a good chance I would have lied to you anyway. I am aware that I have been the main factor in my isolation and secrecy.
On a happier note, although I still have all kinds of residual pain, anger, neuroses, shame, etc., to work through, I'm off to a great start with that. 2009 has been one of immense healing for me. I am learning to let go of old ideals and to welcome acceptance and love - from others, and most importantly, from myself.
And it is thanks to my experience last week that I am creating this blog. I spent the week on Gabriola Island in British Columbia, at an incredible place called The Haven (www.haven.ca), doing their five-day program "Come Alive" with my fiance and soulmate, Martin. Sometime very soon I will go into more detail about my personal experience there, for it is not really possible to briefly sum it up. I know that it is important for me to stay connected to my time there, and to the people I got to know...I can't believe it has already been a week since we all left to return to our lives! Back to the place where the real work has to happen. For mye, the temptation has been to allow myself to get sucked back into old thoughts patterns and ways of communicating, into a less-conscious/present way of living . Another reason why I am doing this blog is to stay present and honest, checking in with my self and staying in open connection with others.
So here it is, my initial attempt to do that. I'm already getting nervous about what people will think...but that's not doing me any good, so I'll stop :) Think what you will, and I'll keep writing nonetheless.
Wishing you love and warmth on this cold and rainy afternoon!
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