Not exactly stage fright...

Sososososoooooo. Interesting how a movie can lead to some pretty deep and intense conversation, one that you might not expect. This is what I am reflecting on as I eat the stale popcorn left over from the movie, curious about the progression of our conversation and how it got to the point it did, and wanting to write about that (thoughts on the movie, and the conversation's progression), but what I think is more significant at this very moment is the last part of the conversation. Here, let me give you a couple of highlights:

"I think that you're a great actor and a great writer, but every time I mention it, you just kind of shrug it off"

Wait, I do? Well yeah, I guess so, since I haven't done much of anything to pursue this work any further, or to develop or even maintain my skills. Hmm....

"Do you really want to be one of those people that has to live with the fact that they didn't even try?"

What? No! Fuck no!!! That's why I moved to Toronto in the first place! That's why I decided to go to school to study theatre and performance! But have I been trying lately...???....no. So, this raises the question, what am I afraid of?

Well, rejection, obviously, that's a given in the entertainment industry. Have I been in the mood for a life of rejection lately? No. Will I ever be? Well, no, but what I realized tonight is that my other interests and passions (apart from performing) are a gift, because they can allow me to do my creative work, and do it for myself, without giving a fuck about what the rest of the world thinks. Recognition, respect, a fan base, yes, these are all fantastic things, but I am also realizing that if I do this kind of work, it will need to be on my own terms - as much as possible. I am finally, at twenty-five, starting to accept myself for the person I am, and really resisting having to change that for anyone. I also really like the idea of steady, fulfilling work...but I also know that there is a lot more I need to fulfil apart from a need for stability. I know that when I get to working as an expressive arts therapist (after a few more years of schooling), I will be nourishing that creative part of myself...but I also know that the yearning for the stage will always be within me somewhere. I think this may be part of the anxiety I've been feeling lately, in fact... a yearning screaming for attention. We'll see. I won't know for sure until I try, right? I'll try to put the excuses aside, at least for now, and allow myself to remember what it means to me to be a performer.

I'm On a Boat - or, Tired and in Lack of a Title

Sooo. I've decided to change things up a little bit. Hopefully this will be conducive to me actually writing more than twice a month. There are various factors that have contributed to my lack of blog entries, and I think that one of the big ones is that I am putting a bit too much pressure on myself to write these in-depth, eloquent, and cohesive entries...and it's not that I don't enjoy that type of writing - it is generally what I gravitate toward as a writer - but the idea of an in-depth exploration of an emotional issue is not constantly appealing. There is great value in it, but if it is stopping me from writing at all, the value goes decreases considerably.

The new goal I've set for myself is to write something every day - a little, a lot, an essay, or a random thought - and we'll see what comes from that (and yes, Martin my love, you are a big part of
my inspiration for attempting to do this!) So the topic isn't really changing, it's still not anything
really specific...it will change depending on where I am at each day. I am at a pretty interesting point in my recovery right now (see earlier posts if you don't know what I am referring to), so I am sure there will be stuff about that, but I don't want to focus on that alone. So as I said, we shall see what comes of it...and hopefully it will be interesting enough for me to get another follower or two :)
Speaking of my few-but-wonderful blog followers - I owe most of you, I think, an email - I will be getting to that soon! My apologies for the lengthy delay.

'til tomorrow,

Chantelle