New Moon, New Dreams, Old Issues

So it is 11am and I just dragged myself out of a bed, or should I say, out of the dream world. It seemed that every moment last night (and this morning) that my eyes were closed, I was dreaming. If I woke up briefly, the same dream would resume upon falling asleep again (or at least, this is what it felt like - perhaps not actually the case). At any rate, it took great effort for me to finally get out of bed, as exhausted and I was, and still am, from all of that dreaming! Exhausted and feeling as though I am still in another world (dare I say dimension?).

And what was it that all this dreaming was about? Well, there are still some big question marks, especially in terms of any cogent storyline. I do know that is that it was very busy and FULL of all kinds of people from different areas of my life. Busy and very populated dreams are the norm for me, but last night seemed to be exceptionally so. There were a few people I didn't know (this is less common for me), as well some people from work, from school, and at least one from my course at The Haven (that'd be you, Ian!). I know that what I was dreaming shortly before I woke up was centered around putting on a play, with much of the action being in the hectic pre-show time. There were scandals, and renovations, there was laundry, there was someone sneaking out wearing a tweed jacket and coming back with a tiger stripe pattern dyed in his hair. All this, and more...and not a lot I could make a connection to. Oh, and I think at one point I saw my grandfather (who passed away last April), which will be the second time this week. Hi Grandpa!

I've made an attempt to resume my (handwritten) dream journal, but now I am thinking about documenting it on here...or maybe writing it out and then including parts of it here, as a way of integrating my dreams into my life a little more, making more connections.

As for my experience of dreaming last night, it does make some sense in the context of my week. For starters, the deep connection I felt to the dream world does not surprise me, because I was involved in a special New Moon ceremony last night. It was a very powerful and spiritual experience with a small group of women and some beautiful rituals that were completely new to me. There was also some talk of dreams, and of paying closer attention to them, so I definitely think that this, plus being charged with some new energy, lead to the intense and deep dreaming I had.

In the past week I have also experienced what I first thought of as "going back into an old self", almost like a regression. Now I don't think it is so much that as it is a kind of psychosomatic way of experiencing memory. More on that later. I know that it is also old stuff that was never really resolved, and now that I am where I am with my recovery, some thingsm are starting to come back up again. I heard a quote last week that describes this place perfectly:

"You climb a hill, just to realize you are at the bottom of a mountain".

Yup. That has never made more sense to me than it does now.

And one of the best ways for me to start making my way up the mountain is to keep writing.

Some Post-New Year's Rambling

So, we are offically one week into the new year, and the new decade, with the latter offering increased potential for change and transformation.



I say this with a slight sense of irony, but also acknowledge that this year was indeed a special NYE for me, and fitting that it should be a new decade as well, for it is the first year - in nearly a decade - that my "resolutions" did not include "overcoming bulimia and/or anorexia". Well, in the earlier part of the decade my intentions were not so focused on eating disorder recovery, but were more the seeds of what was to come (ie. promises to punish myself by restricting food, to get thin and thus make my life "better").



I know that in my last post I expressed feelings of joy around my new freedom from disordered thoughts and behaviour, but I cannot help but reiterate. It also gives context to what I have been experiencing in the past few months - more marked, in the past week, having had some time to reflect upon things. I spent a lovely and relaxing week in Prince George, British Columbia with Martin's family - the last couple of days of 2009, and the first few of 2010. Having time to stop and witness myself, and to be surrounded by very open and truthful people, brings all kinds of things to the surface: important things that I have been ignoring in favour of the trivial things, or perhaps using the trivial things as a shield. I realize that this is all quite vague, but I am at the point in the evening where I lose track of my thoughts as I write... that being said, I think I'm going to come back to this, to save us both from any more generalized thoughts.



And hopefully next time I read this, I will remember what the hell I was getting at.
That's what I get for trying to finish up something I started earlier today late in the evening.

2010...The Year of Doing

Doing what, exactly? Well, I do have some specifics in mind, but what it comes down to is my desire to make this a year where I can do something, anything, and see it through to completion. And what it will take for me to get that point is to decide on something to do and focus my energy on that. In recent years, and especially in recent months, I have had so many different ideas, inspirations, goals, desires - but I have not been able to focus my energy due to a fear of doing the wrong thing. So I end up doing nothing; nothing but being sressed about my lack of direction and focus, and the myriad of things that I could be doing.

So what this year is really about is accepting that there is no such thing as the wrong thing. I may at some point choose to do something that will take me away from myself or my intended path, but knowing that if indeed my path is an intended one, then I will find my way on it eventually. Everything that has happened beforehand, the fuck-ups, the regrets, all of that will enrich the journey that I am currently on. I have had this experience already, especially in the past year. The shame and regret of so many years of energy wasted on eating disorders gives me a greater appreciation for the freedom I enjoy now...the joy of not being constantly preoccupied with food and weight. For any of you struggling with that now, trust me - it is joyous. I am by no means immune to the old eating disorder voice -do not underestimate its persistence - but I have had both the experience of being completely controlled by it, and of being free from it, and it is these experiences combined that make me the person I am today, and give me the strength to choose freedom again and again.

I can feel the focus of this post changing as I write it, so I`m just going to go with it. This talk of freedom, combined with an experience from this morning, has reminded me that there are many other things that I can free myself from in the new year.

I have to depart from my writing at the moment - the sound of more family arriving upstairs beckons me - but an exploration of freedoms to discover in 2010 will happen soon.





In the words of Kanye West, and many others in years past: That that don't kill me, can only make me stronger.