Not exactly stage fright...

Sososososoooooo. Interesting how a movie can lead to some pretty deep and intense conversation, one that you might not expect. This is what I am reflecting on as I eat the stale popcorn left over from the movie, curious about the progression of our conversation and how it got to the point it did, and wanting to write about that (thoughts on the movie, and the conversation's progression), but what I think is more significant at this very moment is the last part of the conversation. Here, let me give you a couple of highlights:

"I think that you're a great actor and a great writer, but every time I mention it, you just kind of shrug it off"

Wait, I do? Well yeah, I guess so, since I haven't done much of anything to pursue this work any further, or to develop or even maintain my skills. Hmm....

"Do you really want to be one of those people that has to live with the fact that they didn't even try?"

What? No! Fuck no!!! That's why I moved to Toronto in the first place! That's why I decided to go to school to study theatre and performance! But have I been trying lately...???....no. So, this raises the question, what am I afraid of?

Well, rejection, obviously, that's a given in the entertainment industry. Have I been in the mood for a life of rejection lately? No. Will I ever be? Well, no, but what I realized tonight is that my other interests and passions (apart from performing) are a gift, because they can allow me to do my creative work, and do it for myself, without giving a fuck about what the rest of the world thinks. Recognition, respect, a fan base, yes, these are all fantastic things, but I am also realizing that if I do this kind of work, it will need to be on my own terms - as much as possible. I am finally, at twenty-five, starting to accept myself for the person I am, and really resisting having to change that for anyone. I also really like the idea of steady, fulfilling work...but I also know that there is a lot more I need to fulfil apart from a need for stability. I know that when I get to working as an expressive arts therapist (after a few more years of schooling), I will be nourishing that creative part of myself...but I also know that the yearning for the stage will always be within me somewhere. I think this may be part of the anxiety I've been feeling lately, in fact... a yearning screaming for attention. We'll see. I won't know for sure until I try, right? I'll try to put the excuses aside, at least for now, and allow myself to remember what it means to me to be a performer.