2010...The Year of Doing

Doing what, exactly? Well, I do have some specifics in mind, but what it comes down to is my desire to make this a year where I can do something, anything, and see it through to completion. And what it will take for me to get that point is to decide on something to do and focus my energy on that. In recent years, and especially in recent months, I have had so many different ideas, inspirations, goals, desires - but I have not been able to focus my energy due to a fear of doing the wrong thing. So I end up doing nothing; nothing but being sressed about my lack of direction and focus, and the myriad of things that I could be doing.

So what this year is really about is accepting that there is no such thing as the wrong thing. I may at some point choose to do something that will take me away from myself or my intended path, but knowing that if indeed my path is an intended one, then I will find my way on it eventually. Everything that has happened beforehand, the fuck-ups, the regrets, all of that will enrich the journey that I am currently on. I have had this experience already, especially in the past year. The shame and regret of so many years of energy wasted on eating disorders gives me a greater appreciation for the freedom I enjoy now...the joy of not being constantly preoccupied with food and weight. For any of you struggling with that now, trust me - it is joyous. I am by no means immune to the old eating disorder voice -do not underestimate its persistence - but I have had both the experience of being completely controlled by it, and of being free from it, and it is these experiences combined that make me the person I am today, and give me the strength to choose freedom again and again.

I can feel the focus of this post changing as I write it, so I`m just going to go with it. This talk of freedom, combined with an experience from this morning, has reminded me that there are many other things that I can free myself from in the new year.

I have to depart from my writing at the moment - the sound of more family arriving upstairs beckons me - but an exploration of freedoms to discover in 2010 will happen soon.





In the words of Kanye West, and many others in years past: That that don't kill me, can only make me stronger.