"It all comes down to you"

I had a really difficult time leaving the house today, mostly due to some extreme fatigue, as well as this strange resistance that comes up every once in a while; a resistance that keeps me stuck at the computer hitting the refresh button on Facebook every three minutes, or in bed reading the same page of a book over and over, not making sense of anything.

At any rate, I finally got myself out the door, and made my way over to MoonBean for a coffee. The title of this post was the first thing that someone said to me. I was standing in line, spaced out and holding my coffee, wishing that the line would get moving so I could down the damn thing. Then the man in front of me turned and said "It all comes down to you". I just kind of stared at him blankly, and was so not in the mood to be in the middle of a pick-up attempt when I hadn't even had a coffee yet.

The man repeated himself, and added "Joni Mitchell. It's the song that was just on."
Blank look from me.
"Ah, you weren't paying attention", he said.
Some sort of mumbled response from me.
Clearly a Joni fan, he went on to tell me some of the other lyrics. More amused than annoyed at this point, I smiled and told him I would listen to the song when I got home.

True to my word, that's what I did. I suppose my main reason for this was that first thing he said to me, which caught me off guard not just because it was unexpected, but because it rang in my ears as a reminder that I am responsible. I am responsible for my feelings, for the cycles I get stuck in, for my recovery and well-being. At an earlier time I would have used this as a way to punish myself - ie. "It's your fault that you are like this, you stupid fucking idiot". It's like listening to the Radiohead song "Just", particularly the line "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's why it really hurts", and crying because you know that it's true. Idiot, idiot.

Now I can recognize that this type of thinking is what kept me in a self-destructive cycle for a very long time. Now I am learning how to use self-responsibility as a positive, as a way to motivate and empower myself. I got a taste of this at the Haven, when practicing self-responsible communication, and finding out that I felt less ashamed of my feelings when they were out in the open. I can also empower myself when I take the credit for how far I have come in my recovery. There have been various factors that have helped me immensely along the way, but ultimately it is me who has got me to this point.

It doesn't matter that Joni's song "Down to You" is actually in reference to another person. It wouldn't have mattered if the man was attempting to use the words "it all comes down to you" as some kind of a pick-up line. None of that matters, because to me it was a much needed reminder not only to be self-responsible, but also that it is okay to be a little bit selfish once in a while.

And hey, it's a really beautiful song...and it turns out I can relate to it in all sorts of other ways...but I will have to save that for another post!