Here goes nothing...

I've wanted to start a blog for a long time. Actually, I did start one just over a year ago, but I created a whole new gmail account with a pseudonym, and I think I only posted on it twice. I felt very self-conscious about starting a blog, particularly because the content would, inevitably, be centered around the eating disorder that I was still struggling with (and had been for over seven years). At that time I saw the blog as a way for me to reach out into some invisible world where I might find support, instead of reaching out into the real world around me where I would definitely find support.

I suppose that there are a number of factors that kept me from reaching out to the people that I knew. Mostly, it was shame. A few years back, when I was visibly underweight, people expressed their concern. I was in denial, yes, but I also did not have shame around the fact that had been losing more and more weight. I was proud.

When I think about bulimia and compulsive over-eating, pride is the furthest thing from my mind. Shame, as I mentioned, is the first thing that I think of. It is that shame that kept me from reaching out for support, that kept me in a vicious cycle of self-loathing and punishment. A shame so strong that it enabled me to put on a brave face and keep functioning (sometimes barely) as I went through three years of intense full-time studies with the Drama program at the University of Toronto. I was going to say that I did this without anyone knowing that something was going on with me, but I know this isn't true. There were people that knew, and people that didn't - but because there were only a very few people who ever approached me about it, I have spent a lot of time believing the latter.

Just for the record, this is not an attempt to make those knowers-but-non-approachers feel guilty. Sure, I have had some frustration about the fact that once the symptoms of the visible illness (anorexia) went gone away, the open concern ceased, and I was left with 1) the self-hatred and shame I experienced as a result gaining weight, and 2) the general assumptions that I was just fine now that I wasn't underweight. Both of these things have been painful, and yes, there is still anger around that, but it is for me to deal with. And anyone else can take comfort in the fact that even if you had asked me if I was okay, there is a good chance I would have lied to you anyway. I am aware that I have been the main factor in my isolation and secrecy.

On a happier note, although I still have all kinds of residual pain, anger, neuroses, shame, etc., to work through, I'm off to a great start with that. 2009 has been one of immense healing for me. I am learning to let go of old ideals and to welcome acceptance and love - from others, and most importantly, from myself.

And it is thanks to my experience last week that I am creating this blog. I spent the week on Gabriola Island in British Columbia, at an incredible place called The Haven (www.haven.ca), doing their five-day program "Come Alive" with my fiance and soulmate, Martin. Sometime very soon I will go into more detail about my personal experience there, for it is not really possible to briefly sum it up. I know that it is important for me to stay connected to my time there, and to the people I got to know...I can't believe it has already been a week since we all left to return to our lives! Back to the place where the real work has to happen. For mye, the temptation has been to allow myself to get sucked back into old thoughts patterns and ways of communicating, into a less-conscious/present way of living . Another reason why I am doing this blog is to stay present and honest, checking in with my self and staying in open connection with others.

So here it is, my initial attempt to do that. I'm already getting nervous about what people will think...but that's not doing me any good, so I'll stop :) Think what you will, and I'll keep writing nonetheless.

Wishing you love and warmth on this cold and rainy afternoon!